Notification of the 'Company Holiday Party'

> Company
> Memo
> FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human
> Resources Director
>
> TO:         All Employees
> DATE:    October 1, 2008
> RE:       Gala Christmas Party
>
> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
> Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the
> private function room at the Grill House. There will be a
> cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
> playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And
> don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
> Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00
> PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at
> that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make
> the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
> gathering is only for employees!
>
> Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
> Merry Christmas to you and your family,
> Patty
>
> Company Memo
>
> FROM:    Patty Lewis,
> Human Resources Director
> TO:         All Employees
> DATE:    October 2, 2008
> RE:       Gala Holiday Party
>
> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
> Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is
> an important holiday, which often coincides with
> Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
> However, from now on,  we're calling it our
> "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any
> other employees who are not Christians and to those still
> celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no
> Christmas tree, and no Christmas
> carols will be sung. We will have other types of
> music for your enjoyment.
>
> Happy now?
> Happy Holidays to you and your family,
> Patty
>

> Company Memo
> FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human
> Resources Director
> TO:        All Employees
>
> DATE:   October 3, 2008
> RE:        Holiday Party
>
> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting
> a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm
> happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
> table that  reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be
> anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
>
> Somebody?
> And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are
> allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much
> money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
>
> REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE
> WILL BE ALLOWED.
>
>
> Company Memo
> FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human
> Resources Director
> To:        All Employees
> DATE:   October 4, 2008
> RE:        Generic Holiday Party
>
>
> What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December
> 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which
> forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There
> goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon
> at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
> employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off
> on serving your meal until the end of the party or else
> package everything for you to take it home in little foil
> doggy baggy. Will that work?
>
>
> Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight
> Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and
> pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
>  Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
> have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own
> table.
>
> Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's
> table.
> To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill
> House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently
> because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
>
>
> We will have booster seats for short people.
> Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
> I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of
> salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people
> with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
>
> There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert
> for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no
> sugar" desserts. Sorry!
>
> Did I miss anything?!?!?
> Patty
>
> Company Memo
>
> FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human
> Resources Director
> TO:         All F*%^ing Employees
> DATE:    October 5, 2008
> RE:         The F*%^ing Holiday Party
>
>
> I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!
> We're going to keep this party at the Grill House
> whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
> table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
> so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad
> bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have
> feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
> heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
>
> The rest of you f*%^ing weirdoes can kiss my *ss. I hope
> you all have a rotten holiday!
> Drive drunk and die,
> The B*tch from H*ll!!!
>
> Company Memo
>
> FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting
> Human Resources Director
> DATE:   October  6, 2008
> RE:        Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
>
> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a
> speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards
> to her.
>
> In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
> Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
> off with full pay.
> Happy Holidays!
> Joan
>